That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize