My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
