and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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