Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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