Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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