mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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