I am midnight drunk by noon
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
