Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
