My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
