So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
