By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
