Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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