did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
