I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
