Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
