News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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