Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
