Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
