im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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