he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
