man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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