Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
