You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
