Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
