He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Sober January is a disaster.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
