i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
