She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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