I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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