Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
