I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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