I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Randomize
