Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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