I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize