It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
