WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
