the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
