Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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