She went from zero to smokin in five shots
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
