he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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