i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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