the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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