i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
