just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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