I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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