Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
