I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
