I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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