just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
