I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
