Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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