I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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