when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
