Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
