I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
