it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
