All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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