my phone needs a breathalizer
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize