yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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