My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
