You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
