You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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