I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I looked at my own cervix.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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