Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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