Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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