she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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