I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
